Untold

Everyday I see her smile

So much attention

She sticks out

such innocence, I had to make her mine

So pure I had to taste it

Everyone sees her style

So much affection

She easily gets me aroused

SHH !! I’ll keep it a secret & tell her it’s fine

Little does she know I’m just fucking with her mind

Little does she know that

I’m just gonna take it even if she doesn’t want to give it.

—————

Opened my eyes to no light

Locked up in darkness

Nowhere to go

It’s getting heavy

I can no longer breathe

Im floating in arms i no longer recognize

Whats this happening on top of me?

Who is this monster bothering me?

Stiff as a board

they take control

I scream as loud as I can

seems like my voice is only stuck in my head

I break lose

I feel free

Looking at the calendar I noticed it took

Too long

I noticed too late what was going on

Stayed silent for too long

Even blamed myself when THEY did wrong.

Samantha Mia

On February 23rd of this year I asked God to please show me where it was that I lost myself because I want myself back. Where I disconnected and allowed so much wrong to continue even if I acted just like the joker, like I was unaffected. That’s when the boxes I had in my mind, each with a memory of darkness I never wanted to step into ever again; boxes I had locked away and buried so very deep in my mind started to open. Rip opening each wound I had patched with tape. Ripping harder and faster with no mercy.

A memory of when I was 8-9 years old came back to me bringing me to my knees with uncontrollable tears. It was my “AHA” moment. The moment I realized that I had allowed predators into my life way before I thought. At that age I met my first predator.

See, how could I have said anything? Who would’ve believed me? I thought it was okay.

I accepted it and everyone around me that was close to me would’ve never believed the truth that was actually happening to me at that time. To them I liked this pathetic excuse of a man just like the other girls and to be honest, I thought I did too. That’s the problem.

What the fuck was I supposed to know, I was 8-9 years old and the feeling of having a man and being a big girl invaded my mind. Completely took over. While others saw nothing bad. While others saw an entertained crush from a staff member of my elementary school, no one ever knew that he really was really trying to get me.

No one knew that he took me to the far right of my school. Took me to the highest floor, away from everyone. Through the doors of the gymnasium on the 5th floor and kissed me. He grabbed my ass, pulled out his junk and made me touch it by placing my hand on it, I didn’t even look down.

I can still remember the scent he carried. Smelling like “Para Mi Bebe” baby cologne. How did I not notice? How did I not see what was happening?

Perhaps I wasn’t the only one on his list. I couldn’t have been the only one. He did it way to smoothly. Convinced me way to swiftly. Something wasn’t right and NO ONE noticed!

Unconsciously this opened doors for the predators to come, demons far worse than my last.

It pains me that I even question myself. That I sit here and doubt a release of this information because so many won’t see or believe, not even those closest to me. For not saying it when I should’ve, for not realizing it when it was happening; I stand alone. Exposed. Really naked.

Voicing my pain, bleeding publicly while you all watch and give your own opinions. I stand here screaming out loud for those who have no voice. Who are afraid to use their voices and blame themselves. I speak for those who are currently going through this and worse.

I am speaking up because as a mother I want to protect my babies from these monsters who have many disguises. I speak because if we come together we can make a difference.

Why do I say this?

For those of you that have followed me and know even a little bit about my story, I’d like to update you on my open case against one of NYs widely known and “respected” Djs. Because my case had just made it to the four year mark, there was nothing NY law enforcement could do for me other than just keep it on file. Perhaps if I had Trump or Kardashian type of money I would’ve gotten a lot more done since money is power, so they say, but that’s not the case and just like that my case went cold and this predator lives on untouched, unbothered.

Imagine if I try to build a case against someone who is STILL working at the elementary school I went to? I am not 9 years old anymore. Who would stand by me to prove this? No one. It’s his word against mine.

These are things that I will live with for the rest of my life but YOU don’t have to. I am removing my stitches to be there for all of you in need. We can heal together and even if I didn’t get far with my case that doesn’t mean that you will have the same outcome.

Many may have known or noticed that I very rarely wear any color that isn’t black. However, you probably didn’t know that I don’t just wear black because it’s one of my top favorite colors and I love how it looks on me. I also wear it because it’s the color I could hide in. I used to wear brighter colors until all I wanted to do was hide.

Although I am no longer hiding and I wont be changing black for another color any time soon, I mention it because as humans we should notice even the little things. We can save lives if we stopped being so selfish and opened our eyes. The signs are there.

For Those of you that are quick to judge and give an opinion, ask before you speak. Educate yourself before you point and remember that you were not the one who was there so how could you call someone a liar before knowing the facts? You were not there and to be very clear, I DO NOT SEEK ATTENTION by spreading this message and being open about my own pain. This is not the kind of attention I would ever want upon myself.

It isn’t easy for me or my family. Especially my parents who would’ve caught a case had I said something. My fear of losing them because of what had happened also kept me from telling them. They had no idea.

People will always have something to say and I can’t change that, but I know the facts just like I know the author writing this and how many sleepless nights full of tears in silence that I had to live through.

I had friends turn into enemies because they didn’t want to believe, didn’t believe or knew the person involved and refused to accept. It’s so foul that people are quick to deny things and just because you want to defend someone doesn’t mean they are right.

The word NO is not consent.

No words does NOT give consent.

Doing something because the person you are with will get mad if you don’t do it, is NOT consent.

It is not right.

It is force.

It is rape!

If you feel wrong, disgusted, regretful, ashamed or anything other than satisfied and happy after having relations, then there’s something wrong. Rapists aren’t always people you don’t know. It can be a friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, employer, teacher, family member and etc. The moment you don’t want to do something, the slightest introduction of doubt should be the end of that situation.

I didn’t say no loud enough. You can!

2 thoughts on “Untold

  1. This was very deeply touching. I am happy that you have chosen to speak out. Hopefully your words can give the courage to others that went through or that are going through this right now.

    Liked by 1 person

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