Loss doesn’t mean lose yourself.
Too often in life we have to say goodbye to someone or something. There are many reasons for these goodbyes, some more happy, sadder or deeper than others. I’d like for us, me the writer and you the reader, to take a moment and breathe. Breathing in so deep and exhaling every emotion.
Completely clear your mind even for a second. Take this moment to appreciate yourself and say goodbye to the old you. You can change any second of your life. Take this moment to slowly and cautiously think about the many goodbyes you have said or didn’t get the chance to say.
I personally have had many situations in which I have had to let go of something or someone, even let go of parts of myself. I do not want for us to feel sad but to gain strength, knowledge, peace of mind.
In December of 2018, I spent the entire month on an emotional rollercoaster that seemed to have had no end. I was extremely depressed and if you have been following my stories, you’d know that due to situations that I have found myself in, I have learned to quickly shut the world out until I find a way to deal with what I am going through at the moment.
Of course, I am aware that this is not the best way to deal with difficulties. I have also learned how to open up and face life in a new skin, attitude and manner because of these past situations. On December 3rd, 2018 I found out that my fiancé and I were expecting a baby. I was about five, weeks and five days.
There were signs of a heartbeat but too faint to hear, everything seemed perfect. I received my first sonogram and I can still see the movements and how my baby looked like a little Sour Patch Kid, my little sour patch. For those of you that do not know, I am RH-Negative, A-, negative blood type.
According to professionals in the medical field, Rhesus (Rh) factor is an inherited protein found on the surface of red blood cells. If your blood has the protein, you’re Rh positive. If your blood lacks the protein, you’re Rh negative. Having this blood type is not an illness and it is said that it usually does not affect your health; it can however affect your pregnancy(s). For example, it may cause a miscarriage, bleeding or abortion if your baby is Rh-positive.
When I found out about my pregnancy I was twenty-two days late and had no cramping or bleeding. Shortly after my first visit, on the 3rd, I began to have occasional cramping and very light random spotting. When I noticed this I immediately booked another appointment with the Gynecologist so that I can receive the RhoGAM vaccination, a medicine used to stop your blood from antibodies that attack Rh-positive blood cells, and protect myself and my forming baby. I was denied the injection because at the time that I went I was not spotting or cramping and everything seemed normal from the inside.
From that moment on I already knew something wasn’t right because although cramping and spotting may be common in pregnancies, I had a gut feeling that it wasn’t normal for me. I went back for another sonogram and this time I was accompanied by my fiancé who was just as excited to see the baby and hear the heartbeat. Usually when I am in the room with any medical technician or doctor, I tend to stay quiet while I am being examined but these two ultrasounds wouldn’t let me stay quiet, I was too happy and anxious to see what was growing. The first time I went the ultrasound technician answered many questions and allowed me to view the screen but this time was different.
I asked questions and she did not answer them, I wasn’t shown the screen, I didn’t hear a heartbeat at any moment, I wasn’t given a new sonogram copy and when I asked if something was wrong she told me that she was sorry but she couldn’t answer and she would let the doctor speak to me. I couldn’t contain my tears. At that very moment I felt my own heart stop and my chest got tight. The many loud sounds from the New York City streets were silenced. I looked over at my fiancé and the look on his face broke my heart.
When the doctor came to talk to me she told me that there was no heartbeat and that there was a possibility that I was miscarrying. I didn’t want to hear anything else, I just wanted to leave. I cried for so long. I started to bleed more frequently so I decided to go to the emergency room and request the RhoGAM shot.
To make the story short, I went to the hospital a total of three times. At first, I was told that there was still hope because my HCG levels were still very high and my body was not aborting the baby. Every time I left I held on to that little bit of hope. Finally, on the 29th of December, I bled too much and that evening I was taken into surgery for a Dilation and Curettage, D & C.
We decided to move out of the city and to another state. For closure, we chose to name our baby and let them go in peace. The point of my story is simply to encourage whoever may need encouragement and support of any kind for any loss or situation in which you have had or haven’t had to say goodbye. There are things that we may not fathom but everything happens for a reason.
I am still figuring out what the reason for things are for my personal situations but I have faith that in time I will find out and all will fall into place the way it should, as it has many times before.
With this I learned patience, I connected with myself on another level and somehow I regained the strength that I lost before. You may not be happy with what is happening to you right now but know that pain is temporary and for every tear you shed there is a deeper and wider ocean full of blessings for you. For every goodbye there is a new hello, a new beginning for us all.
Dealing with miscarriage is not easy, no loss is. Saying goodbye doesn’t have to mean forgetting, it just means letting go of what is no longer serving you goodness or health. Allow yourself to grow. It, him or her no longer need to be in your life because it has fulfilled its purpose and will continue to teach you and guide you onto a new path, if you choose.
Be light, be free, be happy.
Let go, accept, take in, renew, live.