A personal letter for my son
Dear my Jasper Halo,
Hello there my angel, I just want to talk to you for a little bit… Just catch up a little. I am hoping that you can hear my voice when you read this. I hope that you can feel my kiss on your forehead when you need it and my hand around you when you need me to hold you.
My oh my has time flown by. Nine months one year two years three years and on. How I wish to keep you tiny forever but unfortunately I cannot because that is not how God wanted life to be. I need for you to know that I am happy that I have you. I feel very BLESSED and honored to say that YOU are MY SON, my first born!! At times; more than sometimes but not always, you do not listen to what I say.
I know you will grow out of this and become such a wonderful gentleman; but for now continue to drive me crazy because one day I will miss that. Keep making loud drum noises and Dinosaur sounds because one day i will miss how loud you can be. Stop talking so fast, because one day I will miss your words especially when you’re stuck and need my help. Please stop coming into my bed because one day I will sleep alone. Stop disrespecting me because when you grow older you will come to realize how much time that takes away from life and being happy.
Baby, always keep in mind that life doesn’t always go as we plan for them to go and we cannot intervene where God intends to work. I’ve wished for things that today may have not been how I expected but I am grateful for what I have learned from every move I have made even if things didn’t always feel good. You live and learn my dearest Halo. So when you feel down and like you lost your sense of direction; because those days WILL come, always remember that GOD has a purpose and he will guide you, love you and protect you even more than I could. Can you imagine that?
I’m not sure if I have had the chance to share with you how I felt when I found out I was having you. I smiled and smiled and looked up as I sat in the bathroom of your grandmother, Nana’s, apartment when she lived in the Bronx. I fell in love with you instantly. I didn’t know what you looked like or if you were going to be a boy or a girl yet but none of that mattered.
I was 16 years old still in high school, yes baby, I was still very young. I was young but the love, the family bond and the faith didn’t allow me to give up. It did not let myself feel hopeless or 100% scared; I knew I would be judged but I also knew I was bringing life into this world and God makes no mistakes.
At that time, I was on the soccer team and feeling tired all the time but I had to push myself. Grandma took me to get braces but before I completed the month I had them removed and BOY WAS SHE MAD!!! I knew my reasons (I had you growing inside of me) but she didn’t know. We, nana your uncle and I, then took a trip to visit my sister, your aunt and uncle in Yuma, Arizona where they were living at the time. I had told your aunt of my suspicions but still enjoyed my time although I was extremely hungry all of the time, well I should say WE were hungry all of the time, haha. When we got back from our trip it was time to let the family know.
I told Nana first then I had to prepare for the next and hardest part, telling your grandfather. I sat on the living room couch with both of your grandparents and I couldn’t contain my tears. I cried and cried as I said “I’m sorry daddy” and he looked at me with a blank stare. I felt that he knew what I was going to tell him but he waited for me to tell him anyways.
I finally got the words out through my aching throat and tears rolling down my face, “I’m pregnant.” He looked down and said the very words that I feared, the words that would hurt the most “I’m disappointed in you Samantha.” I cried even more as he stood up walking towards the bathroom, he looked at me and went in. The worst was over I looked at Nana as she cried too She told me to let him cool off and that it’ll pass. That night he took the longest shower he had ever taken and we just knew he would be crying but we gave him space. When he finally came out Nana and I were still sitting on the couch and he looked at Nana then stared at me with his sad red eyes. I began to cry again. The only words that I could get out was “sorry.” He finally spoke and said “you have to take care of yourself more and that baby too.” I then knew he was okay and I was fine, we were fine.
The night after I had your grandmother Yaya and auntie come over to Nana’s house and showed them the sonogram of you… Whoa, that’s was a trip!! Yaya had a bunch of emotions she was happy and laughing and then she cried hysterically, she was like that for some time. After everyone found out, I had to worry about school and how I was getting bigger, tired and lazier by the day.
Skipping to the most exciting part our journey, MAY of 2011. I was admitted in Lawrence hospital in Bronxville, NY and induced on the 24th because my placenta was aging/maturing too quickly and you weren’t eating well anymore. For 3 hours I was in labor with horrible pains, thank God for the rails on that stretcher/bed I was on. Waiting and waiting. FINALLY after falling asleep to avoid the pain I woke up. I called the nurse and she checked me I was 10 centimeters dilated, IT WAS GO TIME! For 19 minutes I pushed and out came the love of my life my very own prince, JASPER HALO born at 1:11pm.
I didn’t hear your cry at first and I got so nervous but then you cried and my heart started to beat again then I held you. Oh I was so desperate to hold you, see you and when I did my life changed. Your pale pink and puffy skin, your dark soft hair, long fingers and finger nails. I couldn’t have expected anything more perfect!! I can go on telling you how amazing that was and what happened after but you’re probably tired of reading so I’ll try my best to cut things short. Just know you were the main attraction from day of birth to home arrival and forever.
I went back to school, the year finished. I didn’t want to get left back and not graduate on time so I set a goal for August and guess what? 3 classes in school 11 classes online with hardly no sleep I managed to make up any credit I needed. I graduated from high school in my senior year. Hard work pays off my love, remember that. My advise is to take the lessons your elders try to teach you because they have gone through it and only want the best for you, for you to succeed and be happy with the least amount of struggles possible.
Now that you have a little history of how you came about I want to help/guide/prepare you for the future; I have to prepare for them also. As you get older and get through school you will see that things will get tougher but do not be alarmed I will be there Nana will be there your family and teachers and those GOOD influence friends will also be there to help you. You will learn of nature and space, earth and history. You will learn about math and money and all that you will need to learn and be knowledgeable of for your future path and career. You will have good friends and some, well, not so good, I hope you can see the difference and choose wisely. You will see others doing things that you may or may not be attracted to but again choose wisely because stupid decisions only take one time to try but mark and make the rest of your life my little baby.
You will fall for girls and some will break your heart but I will be there to help you and help mend that broken saddened hurt heart of yours. Know that sometimes people aren’t raised the same way. Some girls have a strong character and others don’t know how to get out of situations or get tired quickly and end up breaking your heart even if those were not their intentions. Know that some girls may not be ready for what you may be looking for or it may be the other way around maybe you will break their hearts because you don’t want what they want, but be gentle because I know what it feels like to be heartbroken.
Remember to always be honest and respectful because one day you will be a father and you wouldn’t want your kid or kids to hurt. Know that although at that moment of confusion, hurt and sadness you don’t see a way out TRUST IN ME when I say that God has a purpose and a reason. There is always a way out. Every situation whether good or bad will make you stronger, wiser, will make you and will help you make decisions in the future. It will teach you lessons and you will know that if you touch the pointy needle too fast and too hard you can cut your fingertip.
I know that I am extremely tough sometimes but as you grow by me you will see and learn of my love, of my compassion, of my warmth, of my desire to protect you and so much more. You will learn that I love you more than my own life and that I want nothing but the best for you. Don’t be ashamed of anything, do not be afraid. Do not be shy. On the contrary my love, be honest, be open and look at me as not only your mother but as your best friend. As your loyal friend and leader perhaps even as your confidant. Trust me enough to speak to me of your worries, troubles, wants, likes and dislikes. Speak to me of the girls your like, even if all I want is for my baby to always be my little baby, and always remember that God is with you and he is love. He is good and he gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. So do not question him do not gain fear or anger towards him for things you do not receive when you ask for them or want them. Do not let anger take over you for the things you do not understand because if you didn’t get what you wanted chances are it wasn’t good enough for you and he has something so much better! Have faith and always be grateful, there are people out there going through worse.
Jasper, there will come a day where my time will expire and I hope that when that day comes you have become a man and have made something of yourself. I hope that I have had the chance to fulfill the duty that God placed for me to complete and that you are happy. When that day comes, if it hasn’t come already, do not be sad and remember not to question God or be angry with him, do not turn your back on him and go toward the world. We live and we die and in between that we serve our purpose, although some become weakened and lose sight of what is important and do not do what God had planned for them, that is the rule of life. When that day comes keep in mind that if you follow Gods path and show your own family the ways of God, if they don’t already know, we will one day be united in the Heavens. Please take care of your little brother who loves you and looks up to you oh so much. When that day comes l, I hope you can hear my voice when you read this, feel my kiss on your forehead when you look at me and feel my hand around you while you sit next to me. I hope that you can see that I am smiling at you through the still face and still photos that hold so many memories and always remember that I love you and that I was blessed to have had you as my son and that I will continue to love you all an eternity because God has shown me that LOVE is not just a word but it is an ACTION, it is ever lasting.
God is love and like any good parent would, he punishes when we do wrong and rewards us when we do right, that doesn’t mean he loves us any less so keep in mind that even though I am, at that moment, no longer physically there that Doesn’t mean I love you any less, that doesn’t mean go and be crazy and forget all that I have taught you, that just means I have completed my job and now it’s your turn to do the same my dearest Halo and one last but very important thing… I am sorry. I am sorry if I wasn’t always the best and the easiest mother you should’ve always had forgive me for the things I couldn’t get you or do for you forgive me for anything you may feel, I tried. I am proud of you. I love you.
I love you my angel. I love you my son!!
Your MOTHER Samantha. 💙